A madness of the soul

Dear God I want to curl up and die right now.

Asked Lizzie out. Got a whole load of nuthin. Nats words come back to haunt me.

I'm a fool and a good for nothing. I'll be a solitary man all my life because I can't show my feelings.

Goddamnit I've ripped trees out of the ground with my bare hands and I can't work up the courage to tell a girl my feelings. And when I do I get shot down like a kite in a war zone. Every single bloody time. Maybe I am just completely unlovable.

Had to listen to Tim and Gaz boasting about women for two hours yesterday. Wanted to nail their heads to the wall. With a girl like Soph Gaz shouldn't even be looking at another woman. Don't think he cheats but I wouldn't put it past him. He's a mate but I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. He's gotten me into trouble a couple of times now. Has to be said tho, he's a very good actor, always says exactly what people want to hear. Or what he thinks people want to hear whether he means it or not. The incredible part is they fall for it. Still, people are people and we all have our failings, myself included. I am no judge.

Will seek solace in Sabrina's arms next Monday. Slept with her last monday. The two of us on Linz's broken couch. The most uncomfortable night I've had in a long while. But worth it just to wrap my arms round her, round someone.

This is it for me, Carlisle, done, dusted. Nothing left for me here now. Mark and Deb have both gone. Haven't spoken to Hayley in forever. Me and Phil and Naomi have drifted apart. I rarely see Aron or Martin.

I will miss Sabs and Linz. Sabs especially is such an important part of my life. I did my best to help her and in return tho she doesn't really know it, she's helped me. Kept me sane. She hasn't done anything really, except be there, carried on being Sabs, as paranoid and lovelorn as ever. And I tried to be there for her, and for Lindsey, and I tried to be strong for them both and that in turn made me strong enough to carry on myself.

But they don't need me any more. they are better. A thousand times better than they were. Things are starting to work out for them and they'll carry on, happy as Larry. And once again I have no one to be strong for. And thus by default I cannot even carry myself.

People misunderstand me. They say I am kind. I am, but it is self preservation as well. I need to have someone to look after because if I don't, then I not only have no purpose, but have no wish to go on. And so I involve myself in people's lives, rightly or wrongly. Try to put things right for them. And sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail and make things even worse. I am only human. But without that crutch of another persons problems, I am nothing. I have nothing to strive for, nothing to attain because there is nothing beyond the borders of my own mind that I could wish for.

I try and read, watch films, improve my mind, create. I am a solitary person, being alone should not be difficult, but right now I feel suicidal. I am not wanted, not needed. Everyone else has everyone else.

Carlisle is at an end, at I feel that I am in exactly the same position as leaving Halifax or Bradford except that I now have BA Hons after my name. So bloody what. I have no goals. No need to do anything now except make enough money to live on and I could do that in almost any job now. All I can do is act, mostly pretty badly, write, with a permanent writers block, sing without a hint of musicality. I'd be as well off as a bricklayer. At least i'd be in the sun all day.

At the end of Halifax I remember thinking to all the people who had disowned me as a friend. Sod you, someday I'm gonna be bigger than all of you. Even at the time it seemed childish but quite frankly I'm not sure I have anything left. Those people I consider my friends are gone, and I really am bad at keeping in touch. I am returning to Leeds which is the arsehole of the country, no history, no culture, pure shameless commercialism. I feel like firebombing Harvey Nichols every time I walk past. Not that I am not a slave to commercialism. In the lack of anything better.

There is a better way, and in the end it is the only thing I am working towards. A field, a meadow. With a vegetable garden, and a horse and a shed to work in. A boat on the river to live out of. And a long grey beard. A hermit, a writer.

But I also feel it within me to genuinely become a giant of the stage, in the vein of Olivier, Gielgud etc, no not as big, Jim Broadbent or Timothy Spall. That sounds pompous, I have no confidence in my acting abilities and I don't know why I feel it, but I do.

Random quote from somewhere on the net today. Liu Tzu or someone. "Command people and you shall wield power but command yourself and you shall hold power." Or something like that. I can command a crowd. Not from within, but from without. I can lead. Always could. If everyone looks at me, then they are mine. I have a stage presence, I really don't know why. The only thing to do therefore is to get people to look at me. I have ideas. But carrying them out, ah that is another thing entirely. I am no man of action, although I have seen much. I must break free entirely of being my fathers son. I must give myself the freedom I was given in Bradford. Whether I can do that while my Dad is still alive is another matter entirely.

But I will perhaps always be a solitary man. And if so, then so it must be. And I must be grateful that I am strong in heart and mind to live as such, tho oftentimes I do not feel so.

At Bradford I was in a power struggle and didn't even know it. Although it cost me everything, I won. In Carlisle, I was nothing. When I did take power, the fate of too many others rested in the balance, they didn't trust me fully. Alright these were nothing. Producing a couple of shows. So what. It means nothing. But at the moment I am nothing.

Looking at the world in this way is dangerous. I am not stupid, I lost everything once. But it is all a game. And I need something to keep me alive. Lead others but follow only yourself. And also, never, ever outstay your welcome.

At Bradford I learnt how to lead, at Carlisle I learnt how to follow. Halifax taught me everything else.

Now all that is required is a situation in which to, yet again, begin my life.

Christ, how badly do I sound like a crazed dictator!