Mr. Clumsy

Am happy for the first time in a long long time. I feel needed. Am lighting Sophie's and the two Jen's show. It's really good and possibly the best I've ever seen Sophie, she's also directed it.

Essentially I'm also running tech, although Lilo is named as SM, she hasn't been around and won't have anything to do. Gaz is sound and help for me. I feel back in control, just sorting it all in my way without anyone interfering.

Spent all day yesterday in the semi dark of the studio, and most of today and just really enjoyed myself.

I don't know the whole world of tech, probably never will, but I know enough now to do a good job.

Didn't stop me from a making a horrendous mistake. Took two spots from the theatre, not realising that Zoe's show was still on. one wasn't being used, the other was, fortunately just in a wash. So, thanks to PJ and Katy it got sorted. I mess the two Pauls round a lot. I don't mean to, but I'm still learning and try to be independent. I find it very hard not to be sometimes.

I've only slept 6 hours out of the last 48. My eyes keep going funny. I don't feel tired tho I'll occasionally catch myself falling asleep. But I have managed to right my day, instead of being up half the night and not getting up in the morning I think I've sorted it back to normal. We'll see.

I'm such a clumsy person at times. I've always been clumsy with my hands, technically and artistically, but I've only recently realised I'm clumsy with my words and my thoughts as well. Some of my decisions suffer because of it, but I can always see myself when I'm doing something stupid or clumsy, like taking those lights. I know it's stupid, but I can't stop myself.

Must allow myself to follow my gut and accept my subconscious mind, it's far more able than my conscious mind.

But when I get in, and I know what I'm doing. No one can touch me for quiet and efficiency.


Creation does not need Intellect.