Damn
Walked home, almost in tears.
Don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oskar left for Finland today. Lucy's gone to Crete, Katie is off to Austria.
And then Haley was in the Wheel.
I've only ever been in love with two women in my life. Natalie and Haley.
Being rejected by Natalie essentially was the last straw in my nervous breakdown.
What I feel for Haley makes the feelings I had for Nat seem like a passing fancy.
And she is still the only woman I know that I cannot have. Natalie simply rejected me.
Haley is engaged to someone she loves vey much. I can't even tell her how I feel because then I'd just be messing up her life as well as our friendship.
She is the only woman I have ever met who complements me as a person, who completes me, who inspires me and makes me think. In three years she has been the only woman I have cared about, there have been others, girls I've fancied, gone out with, looked after.
I went out with Lucy for three weeks, my first proper girlfriend.
When we broke up it didn't matter. Lucy wasn't Haley and she was never going to make me forget about Haley. No woman is going to, ever. Is there any point even bothering?
I don't see her all that often, it's easier in some ways. She's not on my mind then. I can at least pretend that other women exist and are worthy of attention.
Tonight I was out with Ed, Katie, Chris, Irish Ray, Nile, Sabs and Lindsay. Dave, Sian, Adam, Crazy Dave, Annette, Faz, Richie Rich, and Carl were also there.
And then I saw Haley and no one else existed.
We are very very good friends, she finds it hard to get on with most other people.
But she thinks that she bores me.
When actually there is no one in this world that I care about more.
Afterwards, when she left, the world no longer mattered.
All those friends and no Haley. It wasn't worth being there after that.
I hung around for a short while
Mostly bangning my head into a wall or sitting in the corner.
Annette, bless her heart, came over. I don't know her all that well and lied, said I was tired. But it was nice.
Of all people Nile came and asked what was wrong.
I said woman trouble and he gave me a hug.
Then Irish Ray came to me and said that he admired me and wished that he could be more like me. I was stunned. The guy is half a foot taller than me, with looks I would die for, a beautiful girl who hangs on his every word and he wishes he could be more like me.
I hugged both of them, I love them all to bits but all Ray sees is my self confidence. To my friends I am always there dancing away without a care in the world.
They don't know why I dance.
I saw Debbie in the Warwick as I walked home. She didn't see me, I didn't stop. Couldn't bear to talk.
I should have got Oskar's email address, I really am going to miss those crazy finger dances we had.
I asked that first year to come see me in Ruth's play. She didn't recognise me since I have shaved since we last met, I like her, but tonight again I realised she isn't who I want her to be, isn't who I need, should I even bother making an attempt?
I could find a nice girl, settle down, do all the normal stuff, but I know that whatever I felt for them if Haley ever became single, I'd leave the nice girl like a shot for Haley.
What I should do is just stop all contact, which I had to do with Nat for my own sanity, but going through life knowing I would never speak to her again would be unbearable. We'll be friends and I'll continue being speechless around her because I know that at some point she has to leave and leave me on my own with my heart as desolate as if someone had exploded an atomic bomb inside it.
Its a price worth paying to be her friend.
Maybe one day I will tell her how I feel, and maybe just maybe she'll feel the same and leave Mark for me. Of course she probably wouldn't and I could never ask her to, Mark's a nice lad and if he feels even a fraction of what I feel for that girl, well, I wouldn't wish to put anyone through that.
Lose-lose situation really.
She will always be my muse however, whether or not she knows it.
Spoke to Renee today, for the first time in ages, she told me how she is frightened now of going home, the gangs in Jamaica are running riot, places where she played as a kid are no go areas because people just get shot. She is frightened for her son Jamali. She also told me how only the very rich have decent housing so whenever a hurricane or floods hit, houses are torn apart, her friends lost their roofs and all their possessions in the last Hurricane to hit (Ivan?)
She has a permanent stay in Britain if she wishes and she can make a career here, she is a very talened actress, but as an expat Welshman, I know how much it hurts to be away from your own country.
In five months it will be over.
my formal education.
I have spent 20 years, a third of my entire life (If I am to die at sixty like all my male ancestors and relations) getting the damn thing.
These three years, depressions over Haley excepted, have been the happiest of my life.
People are already leaving, people I've only just got to know. People I care about.
Aron, Nile, Ray, Lizzie will all be back off to ireland, following Gerard and Jessie. Renee to Jamaica. Stevo and Tim to Florida. Mark to Camp America. Pam, all over the world as an Air Hostess. People to Scotland, London, Manchester, Newcastle, Hull, abroad.
Some will stay in Carlisle.
And I back to that dungheap of a city of Leeds
People I might never see again.
I will never forget this city, the people I met here, whether locals or students. It has been home from home.
Even if I were to stay, it wouldn't be the same, time moves on, lives move on.
If I am to die, let it be at the end of this degree, because from there on out, it will be all downhill.
I have forty years, more if I am lucky.
I'd better bloody well do something important.
Look at me all maudlin now, just depressed, just lonely, but I'll get over it.
It is now half past four in the morning. I have rehearsals in eleven and a half hours and a show in fifteen and a half hours.
The show requires me to be maudlin, depressed and lonely so I'll get over it in a couple of days time.
Goodnight.
Don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oskar left for Finland today. Lucy's gone to Crete, Katie is off to Austria.
And then Haley was in the Wheel.
I've only ever been in love with two women in my life. Natalie and Haley.
Being rejected by Natalie essentially was the last straw in my nervous breakdown.
What I feel for Haley makes the feelings I had for Nat seem like a passing fancy.
And she is still the only woman I know that I cannot have. Natalie simply rejected me.
Haley is engaged to someone she loves vey much. I can't even tell her how I feel because then I'd just be messing up her life as well as our friendship.
She is the only woman I have ever met who complements me as a person, who completes me, who inspires me and makes me think. In three years she has been the only woman I have cared about, there have been others, girls I've fancied, gone out with, looked after.
I went out with Lucy for three weeks, my first proper girlfriend.
When we broke up it didn't matter. Lucy wasn't Haley and she was never going to make me forget about Haley. No woman is going to, ever. Is there any point even bothering?
I don't see her all that often, it's easier in some ways. She's not on my mind then. I can at least pretend that other women exist and are worthy of attention.
Tonight I was out with Ed, Katie, Chris, Irish Ray, Nile, Sabs and Lindsay. Dave, Sian, Adam, Crazy Dave, Annette, Faz, Richie Rich, and Carl were also there.
And then I saw Haley and no one else existed.
We are very very good friends, she finds it hard to get on with most other people.
But she thinks that she bores me.
When actually there is no one in this world that I care about more.
Afterwards, when she left, the world no longer mattered.
All those friends and no Haley. It wasn't worth being there after that.
I hung around for a short while
Mostly bangning my head into a wall or sitting in the corner.
Annette, bless her heart, came over. I don't know her all that well and lied, said I was tired. But it was nice.
Of all people Nile came and asked what was wrong.
I said woman trouble and he gave me a hug.
Then Irish Ray came to me and said that he admired me and wished that he could be more like me. I was stunned. The guy is half a foot taller than me, with looks I would die for, a beautiful girl who hangs on his every word and he wishes he could be more like me.
I hugged both of them, I love them all to bits but all Ray sees is my self confidence. To my friends I am always there dancing away without a care in the world.
They don't know why I dance.
I saw Debbie in the Warwick as I walked home. She didn't see me, I didn't stop. Couldn't bear to talk.
I should have got Oskar's email address, I really am going to miss those crazy finger dances we had.
I asked that first year to come see me in Ruth's play. She didn't recognise me since I have shaved since we last met, I like her, but tonight again I realised she isn't who I want her to be, isn't who I need, should I even bother making an attempt?
I could find a nice girl, settle down, do all the normal stuff, but I know that whatever I felt for them if Haley ever became single, I'd leave the nice girl like a shot for Haley.
What I should do is just stop all contact, which I had to do with Nat for my own sanity, but going through life knowing I would never speak to her again would be unbearable. We'll be friends and I'll continue being speechless around her because I know that at some point she has to leave and leave me on my own with my heart as desolate as if someone had exploded an atomic bomb inside it.
Its a price worth paying to be her friend.
Maybe one day I will tell her how I feel, and maybe just maybe she'll feel the same and leave Mark for me. Of course she probably wouldn't and I could never ask her to, Mark's a nice lad and if he feels even a fraction of what I feel for that girl, well, I wouldn't wish to put anyone through that.
Lose-lose situation really.
She will always be my muse however, whether or not she knows it.
Spoke to Renee today, for the first time in ages, she told me how she is frightened now of going home, the gangs in Jamaica are running riot, places where she played as a kid are no go areas because people just get shot. She is frightened for her son Jamali. She also told me how only the very rich have decent housing so whenever a hurricane or floods hit, houses are torn apart, her friends lost their roofs and all their possessions in the last Hurricane to hit (Ivan?)
She has a permanent stay in Britain if she wishes and she can make a career here, she is a very talened actress, but as an expat Welshman, I know how much it hurts to be away from your own country.
In five months it will be over.
my formal education.
I have spent 20 years, a third of my entire life (If I am to die at sixty like all my male ancestors and relations) getting the damn thing.
These three years, depressions over Haley excepted, have been the happiest of my life.
People are already leaving, people I've only just got to know. People I care about.
Aron, Nile, Ray, Lizzie will all be back off to ireland, following Gerard and Jessie. Renee to Jamaica. Stevo and Tim to Florida. Mark to Camp America. Pam, all over the world as an Air Hostess. People to Scotland, London, Manchester, Newcastle, Hull, abroad.
Some will stay in Carlisle.
And I back to that dungheap of a city of Leeds
People I might never see again.
I will never forget this city, the people I met here, whether locals or students. It has been home from home.
Even if I were to stay, it wouldn't be the same, time moves on, lives move on.
If I am to die, let it be at the end of this degree, because from there on out, it will be all downhill.
I have forty years, more if I am lucky.
I'd better bloody well do something important.
Look at me all maudlin now, just depressed, just lonely, but I'll get over it.
It is now half past four in the morning. I have rehearsals in eleven and a half hours and a show in fifteen and a half hours.
The show requires me to be maudlin, depressed and lonely so I'll get over it in a couple of days time.
Goodnight.
posted by Caractacus at 02:31
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