Lik

Not a good time.

Spent the day in college waiting to see John at 5. Arrived at 1 to return stuff to Ruth.

Both meetings were formalities which was annoying.

Tried to avoid feeling guilt. Failed utterly. Nothing to be done. The decision was the right one.

Spent the day reading Nabokov. Four short stories. Incredibly good and full of fantastic quotes:

"And what about God? Did or did not people who would resent any omnipotent dictator on earth look forward to one in heaven?"

"(actually, in diurnal life, she was a small dumpy creature resembling a mummified guinea pig)"

Two fantastic observations from The Vane Sisters

However I was struck by the story Lik. Lik is a "moderately talented" actor, he doesn't drink and has an inherited heart condition that will kill him. He fails to understand people and spends extravagent amounts of money on himself on pretty items that get broken.

This could be an almost picture perfect description of myself. There are some differences, I am not as timid as Lik, I am not Russian, however I have always been drawn to the Russians, my temperament might be described as Russian.

Nabokov did an excellent charachterisation with Lik, I recognised a lot of myself in him, a coincidence surely. Of course.

Another great Nabokov quote, said of Lik

"Loneliness as a situation can be corrected, but as a state of mind it is an incurable illness."

I feel sick.

It's absolutely true. I seek out loneliness. I desire it yet hate it. It is my state of mind.

I don't understand the paradox but I've known for a long time. I rang Sabs and invited her over but no. She's a loner as well, though I don't know how much of that is bravado she puts on about it. She talks about getting a cat, the way she is, she'll never even have her own flat.

Perhaps that is why I'm latching on to her now more than anyone else, though she doesn't realise I am.

She's been alone. Even if she wasn't she's felt alone. It's the most terrifying thing in the world. That's why I always tried to be around as much as I could.

Because I've been further. I embraced being alone. I nearly comitted suicide and I nearly went insane but those couple of months at the end of Bradford and in Wales were the most terrifying yet liberating of my life. I faced down being alone, and won. I feel like I'm facing that again now, possibly on a permanent basis, for the rest of my life. I feel that if Sabs was with me, we could face that, alone perhaps but together. An awfully big adventure.

Of course, I presume a lot about Sabs and I don't think she ever would. But she might. I can't think of anyone else I could do it with. Anyone else, except perhaps Hayley (but that'd never happen) I'd have to be conventional.

See although wandering off into the sunset yonder with nothing except yourself scares me half to death, it also intrigues me, beckons me. I would like nothing better than to just wander off and just be forgotten about. Tramp my way around the world, see things that no one other person could ever hope to see.

Would I ever have the courage to just drop everything and live on my ingenuity and art? I feel like it might be a part of my future someday. Not immediately, but someday, and if it did happen I'd want to take Sabs, to share the experience. But she never would. She needs safety.

A girl, almost certainly Sian, was crying in the toilet earlier. I wanted to go and comfort her but I didn't feel I had the right, that I would be intruding. If it was Sian, then it is for Dave to comfort her. Dave was nice to me today, not that he isn't usually, perhaps noticed is a better word. He usually doesn't. He invited me down for a film. I said I would but never did. Was not in the mood for house company, none of them know what's going on with me. To be honest they aren't much more than acquaintances, which is how I wanted it when I moved in. Wanted some privacy. Still do, but I could kill for some company now. Someone who cares for me as I am, rather than makes conversation for the sake of it. I don't know how many people like that are left for me.

Lizzie did invite me paintballing next weekend. Accepted at once. She's a lovely girl. Be nice to spend some time around her.

Also ran into Natalia today, in a completely random place.

Mum and Katy coming up Saturday. Really glad.

Have to write my monologue. Thinking of calling it 'Once when he lost himself.'

Too tired.

This is Lik saying goodnight.